Letter-Mail 1965-0576 (transcript of both pages)
You still have not given me any details about what you plan to do for your mother, or answers about the house and what they have proposed. I understand all your fears and all your resentment but you are only wrong to get upset if you can not stand it anymore you know that I can do everything and in every way that anyway I will arrange for you to have the maximum but it is obvious that if each separation must bring tragedies and that you become more and more vulnerable instead of wiser and wiser then our union is more destructive than constructive ... I love you but it is for me painful to see that I am only able to make you suffer and I end up having the epidermis sensitized. Anyway I think to be unfortunately destined to make suffer I do not find it amusing and if I can slow down I do it but especially it is necessary not to lose its calm and its peace. Life unfortunately gives more trials than joys and above all we must realize that we have absolutely no right to happiness. Happiness is a propaganda word that our civilization has only used too much and overused. Everyone expects happiness like rain or manna. my foot, the only happiness or rather the only satisfaction we have and have it in an active and not passive way, it is by subscribing to life, it is by subscribing a commitment even in an contemplative Order, it is by having goals duties that one can claim to exist, moreover it is from these derivations of the act over time and the matter that the moments of stopping, the sighs meditations and accounts take on their full value. Because I believe in it and we talked about it enough, I think so that it is not new. That's why I'm amazed at the violence of these storms and of your emotions.
You complain about the responsibilities well how many responsibilities would you have, you complain about the lack of compensation there is no compensation and nobody is entitled to compensation this is a survival of the prices distribution or the first rewards at Pavlov's bell. We have a duration let’s fill it with of our thoughts of our acts of our love for the things and the others, that is to say let’s be positively directed I do not claim to the success but my anxieties to the death do not take a apocalyptic feature because knowing it because you too knowing it because we all know it, it is no longer useful that we sought to deserve compensations or that we find a refuge in sentimental storms that hide the actual anxieties. Once things are set let’s take what the consequences bring us without bitterness and when we are happy or believe we are, stretch our limbs, straighten up our spine and enjoy it. If you really can not stand it then let's break up. But you know as well as I do that you will not diminish your responsibilities and that you will not have many compensations either. I suffer from the inadequacies that my ill-balanced ego has to bear, but I believe that I will not die because of it at least not immediately and yet there are different deaths and instead of wishing happiness I call only the calm to my help what is perhaps a valid form of this famous happiness, and I appeal to what may be a life review. It is necessary to make it on many columns and plans. What are we? where do we go by asking that question GAUGUIN gave few answers that his poor twisted life and in some sense failed. My love for you is bright
and clear. Arman