My tender heart
We are suffering similar from the same kind of crisis added here by a long wait and, moreover, by a long inadequate weather for this country. I'm fed up, the night before last I received the Dominicans and Lenan. I almost quarreled with Lenan because he loves a war of sterile discussions that exasperates me. Last night impossible to work and to stay put so I went to the movies and saw a very good picture with Marilyn Monroe and Laurence Olivier, very funny. But today rain again and more storm and more funereal-like atmosphere, and it's not about disappointment for me but about a climate. If for you the failures take note it is very good because you still need it not to suffer from the rasping of angles, there is only one method, it is an inexplicable method but above all an inapplicable one but foremost a state of mind. One must be like the poker player who does not pay attention to what he is likely to lose, i.e that he may win because he plays in a pure fashion. If the gain and the loss have a real importance, the spirit is no longer free and I have the impression that one undergoes blockages of the circuit. The player is able to reason coldly, I lost 100 then 200 and now 100, well, according to the probabilities should I raise my bets step by step ? etc. etc.
Do not forget that failure or success are absolutely irrelevant. What only counts is the guided activity. And you'll see, losing, winning, these are just results that do not have to go into the construction of the formula. For my part, if I tried to win, it is almost certain that I would not have accepted this strange lottery called art. With average possibilities I could claim to succeed elsewhere, but we do not care at all. In every man of a some value, all, absolutely all activities are winning ones, but in this higher sense of enrichment by the act in time and in matter, because this man remains superior only in function of his conception of the game and that is why among the false winners that are the arrived in an armchair, we find so many deteriorated, shabby, and suffering people. They no longer knew how to play as soon as the gain came in another way i.e money, power, glory etc. etc. while their only wealth was to undertake. I firmly believe that this concept of the « way of life » is crazy and prevents from losing even on other settings but one must be sincere and not pretend to be sleeping. If you are able, and I think you are, even for a brief lapse of time, to think about the exact value of a failure in your business, I think you'll be able to face anything and anyone with a light-hearted and with an inside half-smile and barely surfacing that brings beforehand the difficulties- kneeling-. That you may suffer, from the absence and the absurd of this non-attendance for an non-important purpose, I understand it but you have a motive otherwise decisive that exalts love and allows I think to sustain almost happily your own cinema (literally and figuratively).
This is where you do something for me. I speak to you very simply and it is not fatuity on my part because if I believe in such way for you be certain that I do not think otherwise for me and that it is pleasant for me to do something for you and to sacrifice myself for that purpose. The sacrifice for love is always rewarded as you know it.
And for me it does not matter much whether you succeed or you lose but first and foremost all that you did it for me.
The other day when you told me that if I were to die anytime you would give up everything, I think that you gave all your motives in advance. Believe me I appreciate it and I am proud and happy that you can do something to please me and give me your work difficulties.
Because believe me, if it does not work that way, it will work differently and my activity as a painter is also on a level where the gain does not matter. Our common gain is to know each other, our particular gain is to ensure our existence as individuals, and our cosmic gain to have children. For what we can gain in the future this is only illusion and looks like the game of Monopoly where one picks up streets, whole neighborhoods and where one ends up grabbing the city from the opponent. The city, the social, my foot, is it worth something ? It takes its toll and its rent without us thinking about paying it, our human condition being already a part of the price, we are so dependent on other humans that we can only play with them so why on top of that suffer from this game ?
The intelligent slaves of the Antiquity knew well that the weight of the chain is light compared to the worries and the removed responsibilities.
So play, but considering all this has its price which is ours.
My Eliane, I love you.